Parenting

Deciding to have a kid is an important decision. Sam and I have been talking about the kid factor. We are waiting a little while. Not too long because we know kids are a great blessing. What kind of blessing can kids be if they end up causing most marriages to decline in marital satisfaction.
The purpose of parenting according to Popkins is to protect and prepare a child to thrive in society. I felt this point is part of it but also for fulfillment in life, happiness, and to grow as a person. Becoming a parent means you have to sacrifice the way you have always lived. A child changes couples lives.
There are specific parenting styles. I took an online quiz to come up with a parenting style based on what I believe and imagine parenting will be like. I would not consider it accurate because I don't know what it it like to be a parent. Sam and I have talked about how hard the teenage years will be. Adolescence is hard years in development. They are going exponentially in those moments. They don't have the best control of their emotions and can't always make sound decisions. Parents need to actively, warmly, and firmly parent a child. You shouldn't force them to do what you want or manipulate them. You need to give appropriate choices and help them learn from bad choices. They learn not from whatbyou tell them to do but when they fall. When they work hard and grow, they gain significant attributes that will ensure they are good citizens.

Working and Finances

Something that has become a conflict for me is whether to pursue a career. I have a deep desire to go on to a master's program and become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I want to share my talents to better society and help others. I also don't want to neglect my marriage and having children. This is a conflict so many woman have. Is it possible to have both or must you make sacrifices? I don't think you can fully have both and be okay with some sacrifices. Women working outside the home isn't bad it just has psychological effects on the family. In my own experience, my mother worked outside the home. I knew my parents struggled with money. It was hard to see both of my parents work so hard and then come home and work hard to maintain there responsibilities as parents. They can't do everything. A woman shouldn't get in the habit of believing that she can be superwoman and balance it all. You aren't balancing but making sacrifices for what seems a good balance. I know that my family should and will always come first. I haven't firmly made a decision but I am learning more that staying at home with kids is important. I wish at times my parents had the energy to be more emotionally available for me. They also were more strict and expected more from me because they couldn't give more. I grew up with a sense of independence and working hard but I also grew up being insecure and very critical of myself. Mothers and fathers need to provide as much as they can financially but they also need to provide emotional and mental support. Women we are strong and we can do many things but there needs to be lots of weighing of the consequences when we leave our kids briefly to fulfill our ambitions for careers.

Some women can't afford not to work outside of the home. If this is the case, I know you are doing the best you can. Not all situations are ideal and we will never be the perfect mother or parent. It just can't and won't happen. I want to make sure the decisions I make about work are not selfish and about gratifying what I want.

We tend to have to work because money is necessary for living. How are we treating the money that comes our way? Are we budgeting? Are we letting our money manage us? There is a great free advice on financial matters called One for the Money.http://mormonbudget.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/031_one-for-the-money.pdf
It talks about how to budget and take care of money as a family. One strong suggestion is to avoid debt as much as possible. My parents have struggled with insurmountable debt. It is a heavy burden and will stick with you. The advice in this pamphlet suggests that you use a debt-elimination calendar. There is a template in the link of how this works. It makes you aware of your debt and work towards removing it from your life. One of the thoughts that I had when reading is how you should learn skills to save money. I liked the idea of learning new skills together as a couple so that we don't have to pay someone to paint our house or change our oil. We can do those things ourselves. I am planning on talking about this with my fiance. He can teach me and I can teach him. It can be away of growing as a family and couple. We teach each other skills and learn to be more self-reliant and frugal with our money.

Communicating to make decisions

Something that has been on my mind is all the decisions Sam and I are making. We have to find work, finish school, find a place to live and make other smaller decisions about our wedding. This is just training for the future. Sam and I are not perfect communicators but we know how to solve problems together.
One way to ensure you are on the same page is understanding that words are symbols. You need to make sure that they mean the same to both of you. Misunderstandings do occur but it is best to find those out early.
Also I would recommend not giving your big talks through text. You miss all the nonverbal cues and tones your partner would use. These make up over 86 percent of all communication to others. Pay attention to those subtle ways of communication. This gives you a better idea what they are saying and how they feel.
These matter as you communicate to make decisions. The best way to do this is a five step process: express love and appreciation,  open with prayer, discuss to a consensus, end with prayer, and share refreshment.
The one I want to focus on is the middle step. When you make a decisions you want to go for an unanimous agreement. This isn't about what you want. It is what is best for your family and what God wants. If this is the case, then two should be able to spiritually discern the answers that they need to chose.
Sam and I want to make decisions this way. Together with a spirit of love and cooperation.
Making decisions can be difficult but the gospel teaches us the perfect way to do it. Jesus Christ would want everyone to feel loved and their opinion mattered. He would want everyone to be fully behind what we chose to do.

Family Crisis and Stress

We all know that marriage isn't a walk in the park. Many trials and hardships are going to occur. So what is the difference between stress and a crisis. How do they affect the family unit?
In my life stress occurs frequently and without any control on my part. We have to learn how to cope and come out stronger. It is a building experiences that make us who we are.
Would you chose to not have these experiences?  I wouldn't.  Sam and I have talked and know that once we are married there will be plenty of hard experiences but it will allow us to grow together.
How can a family grow under stress? It can bring you closer together and lean on each other. This is the ideal when stress is overwhelming.
What does a crisis mean for a family? It means stress that causes a permanent change. One example would be my Dad being diagnosed with diabetes. We as a family had to eat differently and realize his health was not good. We need to be more careful of what we bring into the house and help my dad exercise.  Ours isn't as severe but many do suffer with even harder things.
How they cope will either tear or bring a family closer together. Build good relationships and look ahead for the bigger picture. Trials have meaning and makes them a little lighter.

Sexual Intimacy

The past few months I have been learning about this topic. I know we become afaid of talking about it especially in marriage. This has continued to be a difficult topic. Sexual intimacy in marriage is beautiful and something I have learned to appreciate and understand why it is sacred. I hope to do this topic justice as this world demeans and diminishes this beautiful gift.
Why is sex beautiful and sacred? There are several reasons. One is the ability to bring two human beings closer together than any other way. I am getting married to my wonderful Sam. We make decisions together, we work together, we dream together. We are waiting until we are married to be completely one but this act just shows the love and togetherness we will build. It shows our devotion and desire to create a marriage that is one. Sex isn't just for having children. The notion of being one reminds me of how love should really be. Sex only enhances that marriage relationship.
The biological aspects of sex gears couples for growth. It allows a couple to grow as people. Men and women are different and that is for good reason. If they were the same, sex would be an activity for just pleasure. We know the greatest satisfactions in life require work and so does sex. Women are not as frequently in the mood as men while men are very frequently in the mood. Some would say this doesn't work. It doesn't work if people are selfish in sex. The greatest sex occurs when you strive to please and make your partner happy. It is selfless and shows how sex is a growing experience. You are there to be patient, kind, gentle, and ever selfless in those moments.
This is probably why sex has shown to better in couples who have been together longer. They have learned to serve and attend to them first. Men that have been married for several years prove that it can be done. They chose their partner everyday despite the lack of oxytocin that women have that bonds them to their spouse. Women have to chose just the same but it is easier for them.
Chose your love and love your choice.

Engagement and the First few months of Marriage

I recently became engaged to a kind man and thought of the importance of an engagement. What is the purpose of an engagement? The main purpose is to help create your own family unit and set boundaries. You want to be independent of your parents and interdependent with your spouse. This begins in the engagment process. You are making decisions together.

I know that I have seen this in my own life. I am independent from my parents and have made many decisions without them. It is apart of being an adult. I know my fiancé is the same way. We work as a team to make decisions. Right now he is on the hunt for an internship. We are working on this process together because it impacts both of us.

You still need to have a good relationship with your parents but  they do not become a part of decision making in your relationship. You also shouldn't ask advice from your parents or talk about your problems with them. It keeps your relationship communicating and working together. Any other person that you chose to disclose only reinforces that relationship. This is unhealthy and makes your partner not feel as significant. You should be as described by Whitney L. Clayton in his talk watch and learn. "Fiercely loyal" is a phrase that resonates well with this principle. Are you betraying your partner and running to your parents?

There might be bumps on the road of engagment but the first few months and year of marriage has many hurdles and bumps. You have to share a bedroom and bed together. There is a sharing of everything. For those who have been very independent will find this difficult. Communication will be crucial. You also should be continuing to date and get to know your partner. Sam and I continue to learn new things and what the other person likes. Sam really loves biscuits but he doesn't usually have them for breakfast like my southern self.

This might seem silly but continues to open communication when your partner down plays an issue. There will be plenty of conflicts and that is normal. It is how you solve these problems and continue to pour out love for each other will create a beautiful marriage.

Marriage Prep

We live in a world where people aren't dating anymore. When was the last time you went on a date with your significant other? Dating is so important so you can get to know the person you will marry or did marry. So many couples are still getting to know the person they married even if it is has been several years. So how long should you date someone? How do you know that you are marrying someone that you should especially if you will still be getting to know someone years down the line?

There is a process of selecting people that potential could be marriage quality. One is being able to meet them. There are an innumerable amount of people on this earth. Not all will be people you actually meet. Second is physical appearance. It is the first thing you see and even though we would like to say that physical appearance doesn't matter, it does. Maybe we won't be attracted at first but there has to be some attraction. There will also be personal traits that will help you grow to love someone.
There are so many myths out there about love and finding your companion. The first that their exist one person out there for you. This is ridiculous and just a highly romanticized. There are potentially several people you could be compatible with.

The next highly concerning myths is that emotions equal love. We have all thought. I love this person because I feel so happy and I long to be with that person. But is that love? Will a marriage last if that is the only thing you base your relationship off? Sadly some do. The media very much focuses on this kind of love. I am not saying this passionate blind love doesn't serve a purpose. It does and can help a blooming relationship as you overlook all of the weakness of that person. I just know the feelings will die and then you will have to make a choice. Real love is choosing your partner everyday and supporting them despite weakness or flaws. So you most definitely should not go into a marriage on just emotions. Your marriage will probably become very difficult. The success of a marriage is largely defined by how well you work together.

Another concern about emotions and the high from attraction is that some people may have misattribution of arousal. We can feel similar emotions that are equated to attraction through activities that increase heart rate like exercise, scary movies, and roller coasters. How do you know then?

When you chose to love your partner and commit. You know when you work well together and have plans for you future. You care more about your companion then yourself. It isn't about instant gratification that you may feel when they compliment or make you feel special. You have a healthy attachment which includes knowing about each other trusting each other, relying on each other, committing to each other, and touch with respect to the other.